Tuesday 1 July 2014

Girlfriend or Fiancée? | Boyfriend or Fiancé?

Hi Myss Lafunky,

While I was at uni, it was a taboo for a Christian lady to say she has a 'boyfriend'.  So any lady in a relationship claims to be automatically engaged. I would like to know your opinion on that.

Dear beloved readers and followers,

Please kindly offer your views in regard to the above. I will offer my views in due course.

- Myss Lafunky


  1. i do not see anything wrong with the term boyfriend. You cannot claim to be engaged unless he has put a ring on the finger.

  2. Till he proposes and the proposal is accepted (whether with or without a ring), he is a friend, like any other male friend.

    1. Thank you for your comment. But if he is like any other male friend...does anything make him a special male friend from other male friends? In terms of the discussions that you might have...the time that has been created to talk to him, etc...#just thinking#.

  3. Thanks to the people above that commented. I have been told by different people that my blog had refused to accept their comments.
    We are looking into it.

    My view: I posted this question on a forum. There are over 70 comments on the forum in respects to the above question.

    According to the dictionary, boyfriend/girlfriend is someone that you are in a sexual or romantic relationship with. Infact, I was very surprised by the definition. If that is the definition that you follow, as you know, Christian singles must not engage in sexual relationships prior to marriage, it is called FORNICATION and defiling yourself.
    Therefore, if your church/fellowship does not want you to use the term 'boyfriend/girlfriend', please refrain from it. Use the acceptable term that they prefer. Know your audience. I personally believe if the guy has not proposed officially..he is more than a 'normal' friend. I know of a church that encourages their singles to use the word 'beloved' given that the guy or girl is.more than an ordinary friend.

    I believe defining the purpose of the relationship and having a focus in the relationship is more significant than the title used. Nonetheless, the definition of boyfriend/girlfriend according to the dictionary would question what we Christians are doing in the relationship..and some people associate the term with unbelievers.
    Although I believe for the term 'fiance/fiancee' to be used..permission to marry you should have been sought from your parents/guardian before the term is used. Also, some people will prefer to have a visible sign (ring) to state that they are engaged while some people are okay with the verbal proposal even if the parents have not accepted for them to marry the spouse.

    It is quite dicey really but to answer your question...I believe the term is sometimes a taboo based on the environment that it is used and based on the definition in the dictionary.
    Regardless of the terminology used..remember Purpose and Purity are crucial for the relationship.

    1. Comment by Ife:

      Il tell u dat I dnt believe in dating, I dnt believe a believer needs to date to marry a believer needs to seek God. Read I kissed dating goodbye by Joshua Harris.

      When a Christian guy asks u to be in a relationship wiv u, he shuld av prayed before asking u.
      When he asks he will tell u to pray, d Holy Spirit to give u a go ahead and then u start courting. The courtship period here is also an engagement because u guys r preparing to be married and lay foundations for ur marriage.

      But in the lower setting where u neither received from God Christians court each other by the guy asking for permission from the lady's mentors or parents n dey start a relationship to know if dey want to be married.
      Such courtship is guided by the parents n in dis case dey r not yet engaged until they have decided dat they are satisfied wiv what they have seen.
      But it's unfortunate that the world now dictates au relationships go.

      Bible says dat God looks at the inward while man looks at d outward so how can we possibly judge the man to marry by merely dating them.

      To date is to agree that God is not capable of leading u so u want to see for urself.

    2. Ife, I quite agree with you. I guess my view was colluded by the world's way of looking at relationships...I like when a guy actually propose with a ring..eventhough..it is already known that...the relationship is heading towards marriage anyway. To date is to agree that God is not capable of leading u so u want to see for urself
      I will humbly accept that..for me to want the proposal of a ring...it clearly shows that I was looking at it the world way.
      Christians are not to date. I share the same belief.
      The relationship must be guided by God from the onset... Hence the term 'fiance/fiancee' is acceptable from the inception..but to use the word 'boyfriend/girlfriend', it may connotate two people that are not sure of where they are going and they are waiting to see whar the future holds.

      I wonder why some Christians frown upon it when a single lady starts calling the person that they are with..fiancé immediately.

      Also, some parents may never approve the relationship..but if it is God's approval.. The term and you have both agreed to go ahead to work towards marriage..the term 'fiancé' can be used.

    3. nice discuss the two of you have made here.
      my use of the word boyfriend or girlfriend is configured to the genda of the person i'm relating with and coming from this which is the way im brought up there is no suspicion whatsoever in its use.
      in the world today the words boyfriend and girlfriend is construed as having sexual relationships which is why some quarters from at it.
      the both of you (funke and ife) relate with the opposite sex and define them as friends whether male or female and have an understanding of the status.
      church people should have a neutral understanding. i feel the lesson they must adopt is that which says define your relationships in terms of knowing whether it is mutual or its one heading to marriage.
      if a lady receives a proposal from a guy she becomes a fiancee and knows she is on route to the alter or marriage.
      again i know that rings have always indicated that one is engaged and has one ready to marry her but i ask is that the indices that such engagement will work out. even those with ring get betrayed. the sustaining factor of relationship is the word. if there is a word from the onset you are sure that it will (engagement) will last

    4. hm this is interesting. i wonder if the engagement must of necessity be done with a ring.
      engagement is signified really by a proposal followed by an acceptance that the parties concerned intend on being married.
      i dont see anywhere in scriptures where ring was a token of love. what i actually see is that God said he has loved us with an everlasting love and also it was written that for this purpose a man shall leave his parents and a woman leave her parents to cleave which presupposes engagement and marriage. there is no suggestion of ring.
      this view may be weird however in a fair opinion marriage is not sustained on the ring. people say when there is a ring on the finger they get respect what of those who pull the ring to commit sin and put it on when done did they loose and gain respect.
      Christ centred relationships resulting to marriage dont rest their oars on rings but on Christ. if Christ is the foundation nothing can go wrong on any platform. the word of God is the basis for any relationship engagement or marriage

    5. Thank you for your comment. I agree with you, Christ centred relationship is note significant than the ring that is used/terminology.
      I love your perspective to the question
      There is no evidence of ring being used in the Bible. We however know that Mary was betrothed to Joseph..which suggests that there is a transition between being a friend and being married...the engaged period.

  4. this discuss is a good one.
    the terms if used in their ordinary interpretations would not have any wrong effect but the world we are has abused them. if im interacting with the opposite genda i can refer to such interaction as relating with my boyfriend or girlfriend. if ive being proposed to i can say that im engaged.
    as Christians we are permitted to have relationships but what we are not permitted to do is to have anything sexual outside the parameters of marriage. suspicion is what is killing the church (based on denomination) today. a brother is talking to a sister we begin to think that they are in an illicit affair. the church Christ built had trust- he created man and came as usual to relate with them expecting to see the man and woman he had created: he trusted them all the way.
    if i appreciate someone of the opposite genda im i not free to hang out with such person. if i intend to marry someone would it be wrong to have some times together and it would not be said im doing something unusual. where im going is that the terms that cause trouble should rather be put in proper context. the focus should be on the acts done when interactions are taking place.
    God established marriage and also made provision for interaction in marriage. the same God said he who finds a wife finds a good thing. its also true that one cannot find a wife and have peace without God getting in the picture. if this is so then in God leading me to a wife there are things he would avert my mind to there are interactions that would take place. remember Adam when he woke up from his deep sleep and saw a woman by his side he spoke and said this is bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh which was an interaction and having done this he referred to her as wife.
    i know that one has to tread the path of caution in this matters anyways. i loved the No THKS rule discussed some time back which put the yardsticks for engaged individuals clear and i feel this would still apply to mutual relationships. it is only in marriage the THKS rule applies

    1. Thank you anonymous for your comment. You have made a good point.

      Aww!! I'm happy that you remember the no THKS rule.

  5. I guess this topic has been overflogged but I still feel quite passionate about this. I totally agree that we are in this world but not of the world and as such we should maintain certain standards but men! Some christians today are highly hypocritical. We are doing all the things worldly boyfriends and girlfriends do but still maintaining the stance of "oh we are just friends". We are fooling all the people that dont matter and are in no way fooling the One who matters the most. I believe if people would just define their relationships then those in authority can keep a watchful eye on them and counsel. Now I am not saying we shld wait till pple r in relationships before we start counselling but I also think admitting you are in a relationship with a person puts you in check and helps you stay focused. Like you rightly said pple have lost their purity but maintained their virginity, partly because they have been told the word boyfriend is ungodly and they dont know how else to term this affection they feel for this other person. Basically what Im saying is that we shldnt play on words and forget the essence. A relationship is a relationship, whether it be between 'beloved pple' or 'boyfriend, girlfriend pple', the content is what matters & not the container.

    1. I agree with you regarding the point that you made about counselling people even before they start a relationship. That's something we need to improve. We are quick to start mentoring/counselling couples that are about to be married when the deeds had been done already. It is time for us to step up in the role of counselling and mentoring others.

      I totally agree with you, it is the content that matters/the purpose of the relationship. We may be calling the person a name that is deemed appropriate to other Christians...yet we are confused about the relationship, also we are doing things that shouldn't be done.

      Thank you for taking your time to comment.

  6. I must have missed this. I always enjoy reading your blog although I think everyone that comments are passionate and deep Christians like yourself.. Not a lot of comments from the peeps on the edge of the church..

    Short thoughts.. We all need to have realistic conversations in our religious conversations...a word should not be pre determined to be of the word because it is the general Way to describe the person you have love feelings for... I don't think Christians use Hebrew so all these I am typing in general use of the English language....

    Also re sex( don't worry- no deep opinions here)- let me mention that thing that we all miss in our discourse - reality.

    Christains have affections to each other( God forbid same sex! but not a point here)
    There is a difference in how you deal with other friends and this special person
    There is a process to get to where you decide you want to spend the rest of your life with this person --- the time.you get to know and share things with this person

    During that process- why do we want to deviate to the general word used to describe that process? It is a word
    Regarding sex...these special affections are romantic and sexual in nature ( please note this.is natural and if it is- God created us that way)
    I am sure you will all agree - sex isn't the purpose of 2 people coming together..yes? Why do we put so much emphasis on a natural act like it is the only reason why 2 people are together.. Is it not a better line of teaching to teach Christains not to be sexually immoral and only have sex with the person they have built a relationship with ( boyfriend)

    Defiling the body and fornication are wonderful strong biblical words but not worth more than lieing in God's eyes.
    Surely all - a piece of anatomy doesn't make you a good person and your soul is what you are trying to save not your Penis or vaginal part of your body...

    Is it possible to teach young people of the real issues in a courtship - money, anger, understanding & communication which will break you and your special friend as quick as anything else won't...

    Praying to God about a sister or brother is flawed isn't it.. Typically it is the guy that will first pray to god and when God says yes, then the sister is then asked to pray about it... How can you start from a biased point in asking for something from God.. 1 person likes the other... Do we not have personal choice anymore..the power of reasoning from God is useful in making decision on life partners..let's do more of decisions and rationalising and don't expect a brother praying about a lady she is attracted to to hear a no from God...

    Long but trying to cover a few angles..

    God bless you


    1. Thank you Olamide for your detailed comment.
      Comments are welcome irrespective of your faith or the level you are in your faith.
      The amazing thing about being a Christian is that, the Holy Spirit leads us not our own human nature. God said that if we allow our human reasoning, minds and our human nature to lead us, it will be enmity against Him as the way our human nature works, it always wants to do things pleasing to the body not to God.
      Therefore, as believers in Christ Jesus, we are privilege to have the Holy Spirit who raised Jesus Christ from the dead dwells in us and He guides us.

      Common sense does not apply in Christianity. God said that, our wisdom is foolishness in God's sight. There is no wisdom, no plan, and no insight that can succeed against God. Have you heard of a saying that, you can't be more Catholic than the Pope? Same with Christianity, we can never be as wise as the creator of the earth. He has asked us to always ask .him to help us as He knows the hidden and the secrets things and He has our best interests at heart, why not ask Him for help.

      In relation to sex, it is a shame that, fornication, sexual acts in courtship is now becoming a norm or popular in the society. This is a sin against God. The Lord detests those who sin against His temple. He said our body is a temple of the Lord and we must honour Him with our body.
      God created sex, He still wants us to have sex but only in marriage. God wants Christian singles or prospective couples to practise self-control and to be aware that there is a time for everything. There is a time to have sex, which is in marriage.
      Even in marriage, you can't always have sex, there will be a time that you will have to discipline yourself and practise self-control as it won't be available 24/7 unless the individual starts committing adultery/cheating on their spouse.

      You have much more to gain when you follow God's Word. God said those that follow His teachings are the ones that truly love Him. And those that do not, they have become slaves to Satan and Satan’s principles.
      You have a choice on whom to follow. Satan is going around the world, he is going around people's minds, he is influencing people to go against their creator. He wants people to enter hell with him, he wants people to have a large number of things to regret in this life.

      God is however calling you, He knows we need His help to live a pure life. He is ready to help us.

      To consult and pray to God about your future spouse is wise. You don't have anything to lose if you do that. In fact, you have a lot to lose if you don't involve God. God can see the future of anyone; He knows the hidden and the secrets things that your own human wisdom which is temporary does not know. God is waiting for you to call upon Him for help.
      He knows that the person that we marry can influence us in every way; therefore, He wants to help us with our decision making.

      The good thing about God is that, He doesn't force us to obey Him. What He does is that, He reminds us of why we are to follow His teaching, the benefits and the consequences if we don't.

      In relation to teaching about money, communication, anger, etc. Christian singles that are in courtship are taught through counselling about different things that pertain to relationship and marriage. Above all, sexual purity is taught to Christian that in courtship as we want people to know various pure ways that they can express their affections without displeasing their maker and without dishonouring their body.

      Let me remind you with what God said.

      You are not your own, you have been bought with a high price; therefore, glorify God in your body and in your spirit which belong to God. This means that, Jesus paid for our sins through His death. All He requires from you and I is to honour our body, minds and actions to God. We should ensure that all that we do will not be made an instrument to sin.

  7. I believe that every woman has the right to choose a partner, so she can safely say that this is her boyfriend and that does not mean that this is a future husband.