Sunday 31 March 2013

Kindly advice! Straight from the heart...Sexual sins

Hello readers, kindly advice one of my readers.  She will be extremely grateful for your comments.

Note: Esther is pseudonym, in order to protect the person's identity.

My name is Esther, I'm 27, and I work as a Biotechnologist. 

I'm a choir leader and a Sunday school teacher at my local church. 

My fiancé and I attend the same church.  He is also a Sunday school teacher and he is part of the instrumentalists.

I am grounded in the Word of God, likewise my boo is grounded in the Word.  My parents are Pastors; they taught me the Word of God since I was a child.  I am so grounded in the Word, to the extent that, I can quote any scriptures at any given time.

Since I started my relationship with my boo, 3 years ago, I have done things that I shouldn't do.  I continue to engage in oral sex with my boo.  From kissing, caressing, sexual intercourse, amongst others. We have done everything you can imagine.

Sometimes, we even have sex before Sunday service, yet, we both minister every Sunday.  We are both respected in church, and people come to us for advice. 

We both want to stop engaging in sexual sins but we just can’t.  Whenever we engage in sexual activities, we are quick to apologise to each other and to God.  We are aware that, it is a sin against God and a sin against our body, but we can’t seem to stop having sex.  We even promised each other that, we won’t visit each other any more  but I've noticed that, I always lure my boo to visit me, I always make him feel bad if he doesn't visit me.

I want to stop engaging in sexual sins, I need help, I can’t tell my Pastor or my counsellors as I feel that, my parents will find out, and they will be extremely disappointed.  They are extremely proud of me, I'm their golden daughter, academically I have done well, in my career I have achieved a lot.  They see me as a good role model to my siblings.  Whenever I visit my siblings, my conversations always revolve around the importance of staying pure sexually, yet I struggle with it.

Please help me! I want to stop sinning.  My boo also wants to stop.  He is actually not interesting in pre-marital sex but he engages in whatever I want, as he hates to see me upset.  I'm usually upset when I don’t get my way.

You may be thinking why am I not married,  my boo is still studying, we can’t marry until he obtains a job, with a good salary.  


  1. Hmmmm. Inasmuch as temptations will come, its possible to overcome. Stay away from eachother, give yourself to fasting n prayer. If u like sef stick notes on ur wall on sexual purity. U both should discuss on other things and hang OUT not in, more. God is your strength o. U Can do it!

  2. Hi there, my advice is going to be blunt but it will do you good. First, being able to quote all the scriptures does not signify you being a believer. It s about your works. The bible says I know your works, you are neither cold nor hot. I particularly love Wesley's commentary - I know your disposition and behaviour, you are an utter stranger to the things of God, having no care or thoughts about them. Secondly, both of you need to reconsider your salvation, you said you know that what you are doing is not right in God's sight, yet you always lure him to your place and get upset when you don't have your way. This is more that sexual impurity, you both need to take the bulls by the horn and break up the relationship. Return to your first love, re dedicate your life to Christ. You both need to stay away from each other. And he need to grow up and stop being manipulated by you. You also need to find an accountability partner (forget all about I don't want people to know - think of eternity, everyone will know if you end up in hell) Speak to one of the leaders that you trust, relieve yourself off the groups you are in and focus on building a relationship with Christ.

  3. Hmmm. I will be right back.

  4. I agree with Mr Anonymous' comment. It's totally about your personal relationship with Jesus, that's much more important than any other thing

  5. They need help!!!

  6. You both need to stop visiting each for now. Separation is the first key here, return to God (be serious about it this time) & found someone truthful & Godly you can always talk to (accountability is very important & trust me it works). May God help this people in Jesus name

  7. If ds story is true den I'm so pissed, not necessarily bcos of wat dey are both doing alone but also bcos ds lady is wasting my time, she doesn't want to stop. Dey are grounded in d word yet dey dnt know dat d only solution to fornication is to flee, anyway if in case dey dnt know, pls BREAK D RELATIONSHIP & go ur seperate ways den go & truly repent!

  8. This is a common problem and prevalent in some Christian relationships unfortunately. The biggest deception is to assume God's Grace is the same as God's Approval.

    What is needed is a better understanding of how to deal with these longings- they are natural but must be 'released' at the right time in marriage.

    This problem imposes an emotional toil on both parties and know that the deception will be revealed eventually...

    Soul ties, Damaged Consciences and delusion. The couple definitely struggle with separation as a result of Soul ties. They will require spiritual deliverance, prayers, counselling and re dedication/commitment to Christ.

  9. Hello,
    You both need to go back to the foundation of your salvation in Christ. Are you in Christ simply because you were born into a Christian home and it’s the only thing you know? Rededicate your lives to him and grow in him (pref. as single people and come back afterwards). One thing you have to realize that our main purpose on earth is to seek Gods kingdom, every other thing, including being in a relationship, falling in love, having a family is a privilege!. Read 1cor 7 (all versus). If you put God first and then other things second, then it means that your priority and main focus will be to please God.

    I don’t belief that you HAVE to tell your parents or whoever (although may be good for accountability), except if it’s a conviction from God. However, I do see a problem if your reason is so you don’t disappoint them! What about disappointing God?.

    I hate to say this, but before you got into this relationship. Did you both seek God face and get a confirmation from God that he is the one and you are the one for him.

    If you say you love each other, then you will need to tell each other the truth and look out for one another. Read the definition of love here. Loving someone including looking out for them and ensuring (doing your bit) they live a life worthy of eternal life in Christ

    Pray about it but also use practical ways. Don’t be too passive. E.g. an agreement that the stronger person at one point in time, should not give in. how about diverting ones attention, do you feel like you want him more when you are bored, then find a way of occupying yourself when this happens, how about praying at those crucial points? Also try the approach of avoiding things that may lead to more problems, e.g. hugging? It may be fine to hug but perhaps for this particular relationship maybe its best to abstain. Remember all things are lawful but not all things are expedient 1cor 10:23

    I will stop here but one more thing. I believe our walk with God should be beyond rules and regulations… I should not do this etc.. It is a relationship with him! So rather than think about sexual immorality as wrong because it is in the bible, think about how God feels about this act and how your personal relationship is with him as a result. I hope this helps and I understand your pain because as humans, we are all struggling with one thing or the other. God bless you

  10. This is really a serious matter. It's good she has recognized that the problem is majorly with her. She needs to take a break from the relationship and see if she's capable of not being upset, as she won't be getting her way anymore.I mean a very long break, at least 6 months. Other denials of the flesh will go a long way in helping her too. While fasting may be good, it is not enough. You see, there are many ways one can give his/her flesh dominance over her life. And these seemingly small sins of the flesh always give way to bigger ones like sexual sin. What you watch, what you read, what you hear, all these things feed the flesh. You may also have to give up a lot the things you like so that your body stays unhappy. It might be shopping, or even listening to music for hours, or chocolate, or social media. There is always something.

    1. Thank you Muyosan.
      I will provide my overview next week.

  11. Thank you all for your comments.

    I believe the solution is to flee from the sin. In this case, you and your fiancé need to separate from each other for a minimum of six months, you need to spend time to know more about God/His commands.

    Also, the greatest sacrifice that you can do to show that you love Christ is to separate from your fiancé, this will help you to focus on yourself and to understand God's love for you.

    It may be difficult to separate from someone that you have been with for 3 years, but it will make you a better person, God will be pleased with you and you will also be pleased with yourself.

    Like tenpointsreview put it: "One thing you have to realize that our main purpose on earth is to seek God's kingdom, every other thing, including being in a relationship, falling in love, having a family is a privilege".

    Also, I will urge you to speak to someone (preferably, a practising Christian) about what you are going through.

    Your mum will be the best person, she will support you, I know it will be difficult to open up to her, but I can assure you that, while she will be disappointed, she will not leave you to wander. If you are worried that people might find out, it's best to speak to you mum. At least, you can trust her.

    She will guide and teach you: why you must respect your body, what it means to respect one's body, how to show love without sex, re-dedicating your life to Christ.

    Dedicate your life to Christ, and study the book of Romans and Ephesians.

    I plan to write a post about: 'how to show love to your fiancé/fiancée without having sex'. Watch out for the post soon.