Monday 7 April 2014

My Marriage Is based on lies: Can I Re-Marry?

Happy Monday readers & followers.  It's second quarter of the Year 2014.  A new week and a new month. How is your new week going so far?  

Here goes the post. Please, share it with your friends, you never know the soul that you would save. Sharing is caring:) 

A life of a widow but then again, my husband is alive.  I feel dejected, I feel destroyed, and I feel hopeless. Who would wipe my tears away?

It's now 4 months that I said 'I do'.  My husband and I courted for 5 months. It is to be noted that my husband and I have not lived together since we said 'I do'.

I was 28 when I married my husband; actually I'm still 28 years old. I was pressurised by my parents to marry, every phone call to my mother resulted in "Lara, when are you going to bring your husband home? When am I going to have my grandchildren? All your friends, both childhood friends and university friends are now married". 

I dreaded my mother's phone call. I thought my mother was worse, my father rang me on a daily basis to pray, dad used to say that, you are now old enough to bring in any of your male friends, you are working, you have a car, you are established, you need your own husband; good guys are difficult to find in this day and age, therefore, Omolara mi, I pray that you will find your own husband before the end of this year in Jesus name.

I took solace in going to church. I thought church was going to be better, however, every discussions with any woman was "your bone of your bone will soon locate you in Jesus name, Lara, you are not getting younger anymore, you need a husband, Ronke is now married, Josephine and Sandra that you are older than are having children already, my dear sister, the Lord will do it soon".  When I had pimples on my face, the people in my department linked it to...stress of waiting for a husband.

On a beautiful Sunday, a tall, dark and handsome single brother in my church said he had something to discuss with me.  We exchanged numbers; he agreed to ring me during the week.

Every day of the week, I waited and expected his phone call. He never rang. On Friday night, he eventually rang, I was nervous to answer his call. I thought to myself, should I refer to him as Brother Paul, should I call him Paul, should I not answer the phone or should I wait until Sunday and say that, I saw your missed call.  I summoned the courage, I picked his phone call.

Bro Paul asked me how my week had been, we exchanged pleasant greetings.  Bro Paul said he noticed my latest Audi car, he also noticed that I carried latest designer bags, and I used the latest gadgets.  I wondered why he was telling me what he had observed.  Bro Paul said he would like to advise me to tone down my lifestyle as men would be scared to approach me and they may not be able to afford me due to what he perceived as a ‘luxurious lifestyle’. Bro Paul said he was only informing me his views as a Brother in Christ. Brother in Christ indeed!

Bro Paul said he needed to ask me a question and he hoped I wouldn't be offended; I gave him the go ahead to ask. Bro Paul said, he had been wondering how much I earned as the way I displayed wealth through the things I used were unbelievable. He also asked me if I was a virgin.  I was fuming inside; I decided not to respond.., as the Bible says in Ecclesiastics 4:7 'that we must keep our temper under control'. I told Bro Paul that 'it is well sir. Thank you so much sir, hope you are looking forward to the weekend. Bro Paul quickly ended the phone call and I never heard from him again. I felt humiliated with what Bro Paul had said. 

It was June, the month of my annual holiday break and I took a trip to Texas for three weeks to visit some of my friends.  During my time in Texas, I met a lovely Christian brother at a seminar.  I told my friends about him, they advised me to give him a chance as he could be my Mr Right.

Mr Right said he worked as a Consultant at the local hospital, and that he grew up in Texas and he is a family man. Out of the bloom, he smiled and said he has found his beautiful wife that he had been waiting for. Mr Right and I became inseparable during my stay in Texas. 

It was the last day of my stay in Texas, Mr Right said he would keep in touch and he was certain that he would marry me. Mr Right honoured his words, he kept in touch, we communicated every day via Skype, Tango, BB messenger, Whatsapp, and other social media. Before I knew it, I referred to him as 'My beloved'. 

After two month of communicating with my beloved, my beloved came to visit me in England, during his two weeks stay, he proposed and said he would like to marry me.  I was hesitant to say yes, however, when I thought of the pressure to marry from my parents, church members, and the thought of my married friends, I immediately said Yes.  The engagement ring is a 24 carat heart shaped diamond with two pear cut diamonds on each side, the setting is platinum and the band is gold.  I wondered how my beloved knew what I'd liked. I later discovered that he had asked my friends.

My beloved laid emphasis on meeting my parents as he said he would like to marry me by December.  During his visits, I introduced him to my parents; my parents did not really question him like I would have wanted them to. They welcomed him with excitement, the main questions they asked him were in relation to his age, his career, where his parents reside, where he would like to reside after his marriage to their daughter and when he would like to marry their daughter.

My parents and I planned the wedding without any financial contributions from my fiancé. When he was asked to contribute towards the wedding; he gave various excuses.

We did our marriage counselling via Skype with my Pastor.  My Pastor did not ask us many questions other than the date of the wedding and whether both parents had consented to the courtship, with the hope of marriage.

On the day of the wedding, everyone in my church, and my family and friends rejoiced with us.  My husband's family including his relatives were unable to attend as according to my husband, their visas were not issued on time.  Although I had not met them but they spoke to me on the phone and they also spoke to my parents on the phone. A few of his friends from Texas attended our wedding and my friends in America also flew to England for our wedding. It was a memorable day. 

I was happy to be married, I couldn't wait to join the married people's club, In fact during my wedding plan, I ignored my single friends as I thought they were no longer on my level, I started associating more with the married people and my married friends.

After 2 weeks of our wedding, in fact we were still in Scotland for our Honeymoon, my husband said he needed to travel to Texas in relation to his work, he said it was an emergency work related issue.  While my husband was away, one of my friends contacted me from Texas, she said she was sorry, she quoted a scripture 'all things will work together for your good in Jesus name, because you serve God'. I asked her what had happened, she told me to search for my husband's name on Google. As I commenced the search, my husband's name appeared with his photographs, it was reported within the newspaper that, my husband was in the process of being convicted of raping someone and a murder charge.

It was reported that, he was a high school dropout, who ran away from home and has been engaging in numerous criminal activities; his parents were interviewed, it was recorded that his parents mentioned that their son was brought up with Nigerian values; however, he failed to be taught. The pictures of the parents that I saw on Google were different from the ones that my husband had showed me. 

I was shocked; I didn't know if I should believe what I’d read. I immediately rang my husband, he didn't answer his phone. I kept ringing him, I put it on re-dial. He still didn't pick his call. I emailed him, I bb'd him, I whatsapped, I facebooked him, yet, there was no response.  

He eventually answered my call. I asked him if everything that was written online was a true reflection of him; my husband kept quiet for a few seconds, he sounded remorseful, he answered yes and said not all the stories were true reflections of what he did. He sent his apologies to my parents and he hoped I would find a place in my heart to forgive him, before he hung up the phone call, he said he was likely to be given a life sentence.

My husband has now been sentenced; he is serving 30 years behind bars. What should I do? Everything about my relationship was based on deceit. This is just a summary of what happened. There are tons of questions that I need answers to, and I can only get the answers from my husband.
People that were pressurising me to marry are now is well, why did you rush into marriage? Why didn't you get to know your husband properly before you agreed to marry him? It is well Sister Lara, God will wipe your tears away in Jesus name, I pray that God will allow your husband's sentence to be reduced. 

God!!!!!! Why me????? 

Should I blame God? Why didn't God stop me from marrying him?

I remember the vow that I declared on the altar: ‘For better For worse, In Sickness and In health, till death do us part.

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!  What are my options?

Names and locations have been changed.

- Myss Lafunky


  1. In my own opinion, the foundations of this marriage was built on illusion. it is unfortunate that young people still believe marriage is a more of a status symbol than a lifetime commitment. These vows were based on wrong foundations. a marriage cannot be built on nothing. this marriage was flawed ab initio and I believe the lady in question has learned the hard way... I can only wish she would do her due diligence next time and resist destructive influences

    1. Thank you Abi for your comment. It is clear that the foundation of the marriage was built on illusion but the question is, the lady and her husband undertook marriage counselling in preparation for their marriage. Shouldn't the counselling suffice?
      You are right, some young people/singles still view marriage as a status symbol rather than a lifetime commitment. How can we educate singles/young people about the reality of marriage and the purpose of marriage?
      What do you advise the lady to do next time? To re-marry? To pray for her husband to be released early?

    2. counselling would have sufficed where all facts were disclosed and known to all parties. in this case this was not so. there is no way there could have been successful counselling where one party decides to hide important facts such as this. . we can educate young folks by continuing to educate. in my own opinion, the need for education has never been greater than this present period. hmmm.... 30 years is a long time. there is no guarantee his frame of mind even if released earlier would be suitably adjusted to marital life. prison no easy o even here in the States. my candid opinion: if she has not received the gift of singleness and does not want to move to a nunnery, she should remarry because what she had before was a void marriage.

    3. The gift of singleness- very funny!!!

    4. The crux of your comment is that the foundation and purpose of the marriage is questionable. She now has to decide whether she wants to wait for him, become a nun or re-marry. But the Bible has its views on divorce/re-marrying.

    5. *to*.
      This counsel is beyond me. I really pray for direction from God for the lady.

  2. Well, I didn't notice any mention of her spirituality, but she needs to get closer to God and seek His face patiently in this matter. She's made a big mistake of not doing due diligence before stepping out and bowing to societal pressure, and the harm's done. My vote would be for her to have the marriage voided and resume her singleness until she meets her own husband... But, like I said, let her be led by God

    1. Thank you for your comment multicreativeme, I have actually been pondering on this issue. The said lady needs to be patient and not make any decision hastily, she must carefully listen to God's counsel. I guess this is a clarion call for her to get closer to God and seek God's face like you have rightly mentioned, and to also ask God for mercy.

      Could it be suggested that, the lady should pray for her husband to die so that she can re-marry? Or should she pray that God should touch the heart of the people in authority and release her husband early? Should she live as a single lady? Should she re-marry? A lot of things to ponder on. I pray that the said lady would not commit suicide in Jesus name.

  3. this is a post that draws a whole lot of lessons. the beginning of any journey is very important. the lady gave in to pressure without getting to know the plan of God towards her. a journey without God results in regrets. when the story of ones life takes a downturn its time to retrace steps and be closer drawn to God and plead for the mercies of God for scriptures say we should come boldly to the throne of Grace that we may obtain mercy. its only the mercy of God that can intervene.
    another truth in this is that she was properly married out hence she has a husband who is facing challenges at the moment and needs her prayers. the husband did not depart from her hence the scripture that says if the unbelieving depart let him depart does not apply here in my candid opinion. he has tendered an appology so she need find place to forgive and request that God intervene in the case. an error has occured and it will take God to step in and show mercy.
    she should open herself to Godly counsel and avoid every form of human counsel which has potential to push her into sin and broaden the gap between her and the kingdom of God.
    God help us all to wait on him until his set time even in the midst of pressure from any quarters.particularly in the region of marriage. prayers for marriage ought be started early so one does not run into what i call injury hour.

    1. Thanks anonymous. Godly counsel is going to come from people that God has created. I pray the Lord will direct her. I just thought of marriage vow, it suggests that there will be challenges within the marriage and one would work through it..and not separate and only death could separate them totally.
      Are you stating that since he has offered his apology, not only should she forgive him, she should wait for him until he is released.
      You stated that the husband did not depart from her..technically he has departed given his life sentence. Nonetheless, I understand your perspective.

  4. wow. I really feel for this lady. First of all I will like to render a prayer to you. That amongst all the counsel that will come your way henceforth, it will only be God's counsel that you will hear and act upon. And that God will help you to make the right decisions and stay focused on him and only him. That you will fulfill destiny.

    1. in regards to whether you can remarry, I personally dont think so. the rape case occured before the wedding so unfaithfulness in marriage is not what happened.
    BIBLE is our ONLY reference here
    2. the issue of marriage being based on lies. its not like he lied to you to get you to marry him( that is what i gathered from reading this). every relationship should disclose their past (regardless how difficult) before marriage as everyone has a past. its not like he had another wife, children in the past etc the main issue is you guys didnt really know each other before marriage. i dont encourage short courtship unless both parties clearly heard from God and their have agreed to make God the center so that even when issues come up, they will let God guide them are getting married and your husband didnt contribute anything towards the wedding. am sorry that's a warning sign .
    4.on the issue of marriage counseling. its not the job of the marriage counselor to find problems in the marriage. their advice are generalized principles. if you dont provide certain information, it reduces its effectiveness.also it focuses majorly on life after marriage hence the timing and the name "marriage" counseling. by that time all that is in your head is getting married (as its close to the date) and even if a problem comes up it could be overlooked. its not like a secret recipe. if you read your bible, have a good relationship with God, have trusted married mentors and do things right, marriage counseling will only reinforce those.
    5. I feel you have to take the majority of fault (in terms of this marriage), which i dont see here (Sorry). The pressure will always come. its a Nigerian thing (i know its wrong but thats the story for another blog title). The thing in life is nobody has your life. your decision can be influenced by people, ultimately you make them. they did not drag you to the alter, were not there when you met him or agreed to marry him. mistakes were made like e.g. ignoring your single friends before marriage, not really reflecting on the advise the first guy gave you, not having a representative of his family on your wedding, couldn't you both have travelled to see them before the wedding? or having some of your family members based in nigeria to meet with his family in nigeria. .This is not me trying to blame you. Just trying to make you reflect and take responsibility

    Dont worry about what people will say now because they will talk (am sure you know that now) But in everything we ought to give thanks. Ask him to show you the next step for your life and what you need to do. If you ask me, i will say you need stay in your marriage as divorse is a sin.
    7. on the issue of your husband i cant really comment without hearing his side. but all i know is that if he has genuine repentance God can intervene in the way only him does. all i know now is that he has apologized and as a christian she need to forgive. but between you both, discuss (too many loose ends), and sort of 'court again' sure they allow visiting etc.remain married but put things right

    It is well with you. But dont worry. its not over until its over. we all face one challenge or the other. Dont let it weigh you down., this is the time to be strong. do things that can take your mind of it and enjoy life as much as you can. strengthening your relationship with God, prayers, divine guidance and wisdom are important.

    1. Wow!!! Thank you so much for taking your time to comment.

  5. I would like to share an experience or 2 if u dont mind.

    This guy had been on my neck for a relationship for about 4 years. Beginning of dis year, he came back full force to ask me out again. I decided to stop being tribal sensitive and just try it out. I agreed. He lives in a church and I tot thats ok cos he said he had enough money to rent a house or do his masters. He went for his masters and I tot thats very totful of him.

    He got a job as an intern and a month into d 3 months, he refused to go to work. I asked him why. He said he has and issue with the HR manager and wants to teach her sense. He didnt go for 2 weeks. That was my first alarm signal. I told him I think he has a very poor work ethic. Does that mean for every job he gets if anyone offends him he'll leave?
    He returned and after a week, he resigned claiming he got a better job with 3 times d present salary. I asked him if he was sure and if they had sent him his appointment letter. He said yes. I wanted to counsel him to still hold on to d present job where they may staff him and make sure he receives his appointment letter before leaving. He refused and said I was showing myself as being materialistic. So I shut up.

    After about a week, he told me he had resumed to the new place. When I call him, he would tell me and I quote "I am in front of my boss. I'll call you later". Another time he said to me "I am cold. I was in the MD's office for a 5 hour meeting and the ac was at its highest.' He kept saying stuffs like this but his words were not adding up.
    First, he would go to the office since morning and when I reach him in d evening, he would tell me his fone is down and he wants to charge it. That got bells ringing in my head. The alarm started ringing.
    I had an urge to go to his office to visit him. I got there and asked the receptionist. She had no idea who I was talking about. She called the head of d department he claimed he was, I described him, did everything, nothing. As I was about going, she called me back and showed me his picture. I told her yes. It didnt occur to me before to show a picture.
    She opened up to me that he is not their staff at all. He only came to drop his cv. She has his number cos he calls her to ask for updates. I really thanked her and all I could do was laugh.

    Why did I tell this long story???????? There will always be signs and promptings from the Holy Spirit except we refused to pay attention cos of desperation. This same guy called me last week asking me for money to rent an apartment. Shebi I will give him money to furnish it too. Then he can come and ask for my hand in marriage as pay back right? God forbid bad thingz. Oh I forgot to say I walked away same day I realized he was full of lies.

    1. Thank you for your comment.

      Imagine, he chased you for about 4 years. Wow!! A lot of ladies would have given up by then or likely to ignore all the signals that you'd observed.
      From your experience, I can pick out the following:

      Observation of the prospective spouse is crucial.
      Never take our observations for granted.
      The way the prospective spouse relates with others will determine how he/she will relate with us. Actions speak better than words.

      I am so glad that you walked away.
      Even if we do not have a relationship with the Holy Spirit, there are always signals (signs) like you rightly put it. It is however unfortunate that a lot of people are falling into the traps of marrying any guy/lady that comes their way due to their age/pressure from friends/relatives.

      May the Lord open the eyes of our understanding.. May the Lord deliver anyone that is in a relationship that is not God ordained for them.

  6. 2nd experience.
    This guy makes sure all our calls and conversations end by 7:30pm. He will call and end with good night. Meaning no calls again till next day.
    He is never at home when he calls me. He is either on his way home, beside the house, seeing someone off, etc. He is never at home. Worse of all, I always hear children in d background. He is 39 going on 40 and claims he lives with his aunt and he is just planning to rent a house in Surulere. My 6th sense tells me he is married and looking for a fling. He insists on coming to know my house. For where? Lailai.
    He doesnt even know my office and its just 3 mins from his office(we met at a restaurant during lunch period).

    As a woman and a child of GOD, the signs are always there. The promptings are always there. The little unease and discomfort is always there warning us. We choose to ignore them all.

    In this situation, GOD have mercy. She will have to wait on God for the next step to take. It is well with her.

    I hope someone learns from my story as a single sister. Dont ever ever be in such a hurry to tie the knot that you will not do ur due diligence. If you fail to be a detective during courtship and before marriage, there will be no one to blame. Not even God.

    It is well with ladies in JESUS name. Amen. Great men are still out there and God is still in the business of divine matchmaking. Wait on Him.

    1. Thank you so much annonymous babes for this input. And I must say, as I was going thru ur stories, I had one or two things to learn.
      I have been foolish in life because I refused to be the detective in my dealings with men. I saw the warning signs but I refused to investigate closely. I still thank God though that my mistakes are not linked to grave ones like committing abortion, having premarital sex. However my mistakes were enough to drain me emotionally.

    2. Thank you for your comment Adeola. I would hope that you have learnt from your experience and you are moving forward. The Bible says that: forgetting those things which are behind, and looking forward to those things ahead. The Lord will do a new thing.

      It is important to seek the right knowledge and to carry people along whenever we are in a relationship or whenever anyone is making advances toward us or when we want to start a relationship.

    3. Yeah, you're right babes Lafunky. I'm just seeing your response.

  7. Hmmmmmm,wat a sad story,it's only God Grace that can see her through this period,she should pls rely on the Holy Spirit for guidance regarding the next step for her since He is our Teacher and Guardian. Babe Annoymous, I have been in similar shoes many times which I neglected the signs but I thank God today that none of it has led into marriage though I have been negatively affected in several ways like finance,etc.we should stop ignoring the Holy Spirit

    1. Thanks for your comment. The Word of God says that there is now no condemnation to those who are in Christ and the Word of God says that we should forget the former thing as He is doing a new thing.
      Thank God you have learnt your lessons. Whatever is lost financially, God will replace everything sooner or later. He makes everything beautiful for His children that please Him.

      Certainly we must heed to the voice of God and appropriate godly counsel.

  8. This story is just so sad...
    well i would say since that marriage is based on deciet, it can easily be annuled. they are not up to six months in marriage, so the sham marriage can be dissolved as though it never happened. and in my opinion, the lady can re-marry. No woman should be made to suffer for sins she did not commit. i daresay that the man is pure evil.. he knew he was going to jail, and he hurriedly married her? he premeditated the whole thing..he probably saw a happy life and wanted it ruined along with his. I would rather not place blames of the lady here, because i can only imagine what is going through her head right now, how despondent she might be. i would just tell her to look for God, if she doesn't believe in HIM before now.. you are still young..28 years is young and little compared to living in hell with a man for how many years.....say 50 years? Be wise, accept Jesus.. He makes all things beautiful in HIS time.

    1. God certainly makes everything beautiful. The marriage was certainly based on deceit.
      Thanks for your comment.