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A life of a widow but then again, my husband is alive. I feel dejected, I feel destroyed, and I feel hopeless. Who would wipe my tears away?
It's now 4 months that I said 'I do'. My husband and I courted for 5 months. It is to be noted that my husband and I have not lived together since we said 'I do'.
I was 28 when I married my husband; actually I'm still 28 years old. I was pressurised by my parents to marry, every phone call to my mother resulted in "Lara, when are you going to bring your husband home? When am I going to have my grandchildren? All your friends, both childhood friends and university friends are now married".
I dreaded my mother's phone call. I thought my mother was worse, my father rang me on a daily basis to pray, dad used to say that, you are now old enough to bring in any of your male friends, you are working, you have a car, you are established, you need your own husband; good guys are difficult to find in this day and age, therefore, Omolara mi, I pray that you will find your own husband before the end of this year in Jesus name.
I took solace in going to church. I thought church was going to be better, however, every discussions with any woman was "your bone of your bone will soon locate you in Jesus name, Lara, you are not getting younger anymore, you need a husband, Ronke is now married, Josephine and Sandra that you are older than are having children already, my dear sister, the Lord will do it soon". When I had pimples on my face, the people in my department linked it to...stress of waiting for a husband.
On a beautiful Sunday, a tall, dark and handsome single brother in my church said he had something to discuss with me. We exchanged numbers; he agreed to ring me during the week.
Every day of the week, I waited and expected his phone call. He never rang. On Friday night, he eventually rang, I was nervous to answer his call. I thought to myself, should I refer to him as Brother Paul, should I call him Paul, should I not answer the phone or should I wait until Sunday and say that, I saw your missed call. I summoned the courage, I picked his phone call.
Bro Paul asked me how my week had been, we exchanged pleasant greetings. Bro Paul said he noticed my latest Audi car, he also noticed that I carried latest designer bags, and I used the latest gadgets. I wondered why he was telling me what he had observed. Bro Paul said he would like to advise me to tone down my lifestyle as men would be scared to approach me and they may not be able to afford me due to what he perceived as a ‘luxurious lifestyle’. Bro Paul said he was only informing me his views as a Brother in Christ. Brother in Christ indeed!
Bro Paul said he needed to ask me a question and he hoped I wouldn't be offended; I gave him the go ahead to ask. Bro Paul said, he had been wondering how much I earned as the way I displayed wealth through the things I used were unbelievable. He also asked me if I was a virgin. I was fuming inside; I decided not to respond.., as the Bible says in Ecclesiastics 4:7 'that we must keep our temper under control'. I told Bro Paul that 'it is well sir. Thank you so much sir, hope you are looking forward to the weekend. Bro Paul quickly ended the phone call and I never heard from him again. I felt humiliated with what Bro Paul had said.
It was June, the month of my annual holiday break and I took a trip to Texas for three weeks to visit some of my friends. During my time in Texas, I met a lovely Christian brother at a seminar. I told my friends about him, they advised me to give him a chance as he could be my Mr Right.
Mr Right said he worked as a Consultant at the local hospital, and that he grew up in Texas and he is a family man. Out of the bloom, he smiled and said he has found his beautiful wife that he had been waiting for. Mr Right and I became inseparable during my stay in Texas.
It was the last day of my stay in Texas, Mr Right said he would keep in touch and he was certain that he would marry me. Mr Right honoured his words, he kept in touch, we communicated every day via Skype, Tango, BB messenger, Whatsapp, and other social media. Before I knew it, I referred to him as 'My beloved'.
After two month of communicating with my beloved, my beloved came to visit me in England, during his two weeks stay, he proposed and said he would like to marry me. I was hesitant to say yes, however, when I thought of the pressure to marry from my parents, church members, and the thought of my married friends, I immediately said Yes. The engagement ring is a 24 carat heart shaped diamond with two pear cut diamonds on each side, the setting is platinum and the band is gold. I wondered how my beloved knew what I'd liked. I later discovered that he had asked my friends.
My beloved laid emphasis on meeting my parents as he said he would like to marry me by December. During his visits, I introduced him to my parents; my parents did not really question him like I would have wanted them to. They welcomed him with excitement, the main questions they asked him were in relation to his age, his career, where his parents reside, where he would like to reside after his marriage to their daughter and when he would like to marry their daughter.
My parents and I planned the wedding without any financial contributions from my fiancé. When he was asked to contribute towards the wedding; he gave various excuses.
We did our marriage counselling via Skype with my Pastor. My Pastor did not ask us many questions other than the date of the wedding and whether both parents had consented to the courtship, with the hope of marriage.
On the day of the wedding, everyone in my church, and my family and friends rejoiced with us. My husband's family including his relatives were unable to attend as according to my husband, their visas were not issued on time. Although I had not met them but they spoke to me on the phone and they also spoke to my parents on the phone. A few of his friends from Texas attended our wedding and my friends in America also flew to England for our wedding. It was a memorable day.
I was happy to be married, I couldn't wait to join the married people's club, In fact during my wedding plan, I ignored my single friends as I thought they were no longer on my level, I started associating more with the married people and my married friends.
After 2 weeks of our wedding, in fact we were still in Scotland for our Honeymoon, my husband said he needed to travel to Texas in relation to his work, he said it was an emergency work related issue. While my husband was away, one of my friends contacted me from Texas, she said she was sorry, she quoted a scripture 'all things will work together for your good in Jesus name, because you serve God'. I asked her what had happened, she told me to search for my husband's name on Google. As I commenced the search, my husband's name appeared with his photographs, it was reported within the newspaper that, my husband was in the process of being convicted of raping someone and a murder charge.
It was reported that, he was a high school dropout, who ran away from home and has been engaging in numerous criminal activities; his parents were interviewed, it was recorded that his parents mentioned that their son was brought up with Nigerian values; however, he failed to be taught. The pictures of the parents that I saw on Google were different from the ones that my husband had showed me.
I was shocked; I didn't know if I should believe what I’d read. I immediately rang my husband, he didn't answer his phone. I kept ringing him, I put it on re-dial. He still didn't pick his call. I emailed him, I bb'd him, I whatsapped, I facebooked him, yet, there was no response.
He eventually answered my call. I asked him if everything that was written online was a true reflection of him; my husband kept quiet for a few seconds, he sounded remorseful, he answered yes and said not all the stories were true reflections of what he did. He sent his apologies to my parents and he hoped I would find a place in my heart to forgive him, before he hung up the phone call, he said he was likely to be given a life sentence.
My husband has now been sentenced; he is serving 30 years behind bars. What should I do? Everything about my relationship was based on deceit. This is just a summary of what happened. There are tons of questions that I need answers to, and I can only get the answers from my husband.
People that were pressurising me to marry are now saying...it is well, why did you rush into marriage? Why didn't you get to know your husband properly before you agreed to marry him? It is well Sister Lara, God will wipe your tears away in Jesus name, I pray that God will allow your husband's sentence to be reduced.
God!!!!!! Why me?????
Should I blame God? Why didn't God stop me from marrying him?
I remember the vow that I declared on the altar: ‘For better For worse, In Sickness and In health, till death do us part.
Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! What are my options?
Names and locations have been changed.
- Myss Lafunky