Last night I died. My heart broke and yet it was still beating. My pride was shattered yet I tried to stand tall. I tried to stand tall as I watched my home and comfort zone reject me but inside I was on the floor crying my eyes out. My home was destroyed yet I sat in it trying to sleep, I couldn’t imagine that I would once again feel a part of me die but I have died before, yes I know, but it hurts most when you finally know what it feels like to be alive.
It hurts even more when you realise you were the cause and you could have done better. It hurts so much when you see the door shut on you. I knelt down, I pleaded, I cried but it changed nothing and my only option was to die. So I went back to the home that was no longer a home because the warmth was gone. The light was out and there was nothing but darkness and a hollow sound as I tried to talk over the phone.
A friend said, fill your time with activities, I turned to DSTV to no avail. I turned to the internet, to no avail. Then a voice whispered, search for porn, it’ll help you calm your nerves and take your mind off it. Then I remembered that porn only provided a temporary solution and I couldn’t handle the guilt that would come with engaging in it. Mix in depression and the pot of stew would be complete. So I resisted and turned back to DSTV. Fortunately I found Tom & Jerry but it wasn’t as funny as the ones I watched growing up, so I zoned out.
Then I remembered oh wait, you need to back up your phone, so I did, then I remembered how Eminem always spoke to the pain in my heart growing up as a teenager in a broken home, wondering why I saw my mum cry at a young age, wondering why several times before my teenage years, I took a knife and pointed it at my tummy, seeking for the strength to just plunge it into my soft belly and give up on life. It dawned on me, get a knife, end it all. Life isn’t worth living when everything around you is failing.
So I stood up, got a knife, came back to the living room while I played with the pointy edge seeking the strength to do what I couldn’t do at the age of 8. Alas I still didn’t have the strength, despite over two decades of heartbreak, so I got up, returned the knife to the kitchen and remembered I had a post to write. Yes I wrote this while listening to Eminem’s ‘when I’m gone’.
But guess what?
I want to live. I want to love and be loved. I want to prove that I can be a better man than my father. I want to prove that I can have a happy and loving home than the one I grew up in. I want to prove that suicide isn’t an option when there’s so much to live for. So I’ll live, if but for a day, I’ll live.
If but for a moment, I’ll live. I’ll live just to see the sun rise and to say the one I love: good morning baby, even though she may not reply. I’ll live just so I can message my mother to say hi and call her motherly. I’ll live just so I can see the smile on the faces of my colleagues when I walk in and debate politics. I want to live, one day at a time.
Tupac said sometimes it’s hard to wake up in the morning when your mind is full of demons, got you heartbroken. Yes I played it too but still I want to live. Finally! A friend replied, another reason to live. Then Eminem said ‘there will never be another me and no matter what they do, there’ll never be another you’. As I heard it, I knew I had to live. Why? There is just one me and that one me has a purpose on earth (Jeremiah. 1:5---God said that "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations".
So while I wish I could die a man, with my love and pride intact, I choose to live. Broken but alive. Sad but alive. Alive with the hope that one day, all will be well. One day, I will be happy. One day, I will look back at this moment and say thank God I returned the knife to the kitchen.
I don’t know if I’ll ever share this post for publishing but if I do, know that I’m alive! With life comes another chance. If you’re going through this, know that you’re not the only one. We are plenty in it. The charge for this week is a very simple one, choose life (I’m crying in my heart as I type this, so trust me, I’m typing from experience).
With life comes opportunities. With life comes a new day in the sun created by God. Suicide is not an option. In the words of Logic, I finally wanna be alive!! Joshua 1:9, 1 Peter 5:8-9.
Now I can call this post, I wanna be alive!