Tuesday, 12 August 2014

As a Christian, Am I allowed to sleepover at my boyfriend/girlfriend's place?

Hello readers and followers,

How was your weekend? Hope you had a great time. 

Someone asked a question whether it was okay to sleepover at your boyfriend, girlfriend, fiancé, fiancée's place so as to get to know each other more.

I belong to a group where the question has been exhausted with tons of answers; Twale and I will offer our views below. I wanted Twale to be included in this write-up as some ladies believe it is usually the guys that insist on sleepovers, it will be nice to know a single guy's perspective about sleepovers.

 
Myss Lafunky asked Twale: What do you think about sleepovers? Sleepovers between two people that are in a relationship? Can we sleep over in order to get closer to each other and because we live in different cities?

 
Twale's response: Emmm . . . Would you allow my cat watch over a tasty cat treat of Fish Flakes in Jelly? I doubt it! I am very much against sleep overs no matter how far apart both people live. Regardless of how born again or spiritual humans are, we are still human and are prone to be drawn by the lust of our human flesh. Sleep overs sounds pretty harmless (and yes it should be) so why a fuss about it? It's because it could potentially lead one to sin. 

A biblical example is Tamar and Amnon. In a sleep over situation, even boundaries set by those involved in the relationship could be easily crossed. Why? Because it's in the secret place and one could be overcome by temptation because this is a case of fleeing the temptation not resisting it. 

It is commonly said that sin thrives in secrecy, well, sin is born in secrecy!

There are many ways to know each other better without having to sleep over. Why put one's self in a situation that may lead to temptation when it can be avoided? That's Wisdom.
 

 Summary of our discussions

Also, the reason for sleeping over is not concrete enough- to know how the person lives so that you can study them closely is not an acceptable reason to engage in sleepovers. You can study your partner closely without sleeping over. You can pray to God to reveal the person to you. We believe that you will only know someone truly when you have been married to them and when you start living together. Even after marriage, it takes a while to know your spouse. 

May we kindly ask, how are you learning about each other if you are meant to be SLEEPING? *Hmm..if you truly examine it carefully, sleepovers are not needed.*
 
There are no reasons that will ever make sleepovers at your partner's place right. It is dangerous and the likelihood of compromising your purity is very high.

We don't know how someone can sleep over and resist youthful lusts, remember the Bible says resist all youthful lusts? 

Also, God is protecting us and He does not want us to defile our body, He also advised us to flee from every appearance of evil and from every youthful lusts. God knows that, no matter how strong we think we are in our Christian faith, it is a lot easier to fall into sin in an enclosed place where nobody is watching or seeing us.

If it works for Person A, it doesn't mean it will work for Person B. 


 
Myss Lafunky: I am personally not in support of sleepovers. I can recollect when one of my male friends wanted to visit me, and he wanted to stay over at my place, I advised him that, he must book a nearby hotel to stay or he should stay at a friend's place, he rejected the offer and he cancelled his visit to my place.
I never felt bad for my action, I stuck to my belief, I didn't care if my view was misconstrued as arrogance. 

Standing for purity means you speaking out/standing for the truth/for you to dare to be different for God at all cost, and focussing in pleasing God more than pleasing your friends or your special friend.

We believe the likelihood of practising the THKS is very high when you sleepover. Also, how would others perceive your action? Especially other young girls that look up to you. Remember what Paul said here, same applies to other areas of one's life.
 
What would others think of your action? The Bible says...we should ensure that our actions do not cause others to sin.

 
Even when you sleep in the same house, in different rooms, it can be dangerous when no other adults are present. I don't think any adults that slept over at their fiancé's place prior to marriage will encourage anyone to implement it, as we all know that the experience usually ends up not being pleasant.

To our dear readers and followers, please don't fall for excuses such as: "Don't you trust me, nothing will ever happen", "We are both Christians we won't do anything" or "I can't believe you don't trust me" or "How would I get to know you properly if we don't have sleepovers", "It is only this weekend that we will sleepovers".
"I promise you nothing will happen" , "You can sleep in the spare room while I sleep in the other room", "You can sleep on the bed while I sleep on the sofa or on the carpet."  

Don't be stubborn and insist that you want to sleepover, and please, don't start quoting that, it is not expressly stated in the Bible that you cannot sleepover.

Twale and I recognise that, even without sleepovers, it is possible to compromise your purity. We believe that, you are working towards maintaining purity and you will take every necessary steps to stay pure.
 
Practical steps to take in order to prevent you from sleeping over
  1. Ensure you have a day visit in an open place.
  2. Ensure that you discuss the benefits of not sleeping over and the consequences of sleeping over.
  3. Ensure that you plan only DAY TRIPS together, when you marry, there will be tons of opportunities for weekend trips.
  4. Never compare your relationship to another couple who do not see an issue with sleepovers.
  5. If you stay in an indoor place together, have an accountable partner, also, promise God that you will not compromise your purity even if your day visit includes being in an enclosed place together.
  6. Never ever entertain any late night visits from the opposite gender, never welcome any of your friends that are of the opposite gender to stay over, no matter how  well you trust them.
  7. Bear the cost of paying for a B & B accommodation or a hotel. The cost of a room in a hotel is cheaper and it is better to pay for a hotel than for you to compromise your purity, which you can never redeemed with a price.

Myss Lafunky and Twale
  
If you have any questions for us, feel free to send us an email on trulymakingadifference@gmail.com we shall be happy to help.

10 comments:

  1. The post is a beautiful one.
    There is a scripture which says that if your right hand would cause you to sin cut it off. Your actions convey a lot of messages to others who get to know about it. Sleep overs may actually be harmless in your opinion but if one of those who you have conveyed the message of salvation to gets to know about it how would the person interpret your actions.
    a careful consideration of this post could link with the earlier post on mentoring. your actions serve as a potent tool in the arena of mentoring. individual lives and actions are the epistles as well as pictures men read and build their own lives upon. Great care and attention need be given to the circle of persons around us before we act for persons to be drawn into the kingdom rather than being drawn into hell.
    In a strict sense intending couples should cancel sleep overs from their agenda for when the deal of marriage is signed there would be no limitation on the number of sleepovers they would have together and no one would frown.
    happy reflection

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    1. I agree with you. Thank you for your comment.

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  2. I agree with many of the things you said but I diaagree about some others. Nothing is ever straightforward. You don't know other people's situations or circumstances. Purity is very important but so many Christians are so judgmental and critical. What if they don't have a lot of money and it's a lot cheaper to live together and stay in separate rooms? Sure, the temptation will be there but are you going to give the person a job or promotion or money to live alone? Or will you pay for their B&B? There are some men that clearly just want to take advantage. But when the situation is different and they have their own personal reasons for staying over, your advice is not that straightforward. Everybody can't do what you would do because everyone has a different situation. What if the person was stranded and has no friends or family nearby? What if the person has just lost his or her job? What you should be saying is that people should try their best to avoid such situations. It's easy for you to give that advice when you have steady income. In a way, you sound very judgmental.

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    1. Thanks anonymous for your comment. In regards to the points that you have raised, Christians are not actually judgemental but rather because of God's love, they preach the Word of God to teach, reprove, correct, rebuke and admonish others in line with several scriptures that I could quote, I will mention one : 2 Timothy 4:2.

      Christ has not said we should try and flee from sins, He commanded us to flee from every appearance of evil.
      Christianity is a lifestyle of sacrifice unto God, a lifestyle of holiness, a lifestyle that once way of life must not lead others to sin.

      Born Again Christians are led by the Spirit of God and they do things in line with the spirit of God and not what their natural minds want to do.
      Ibukun has given you a detailed response to all the points that you raised.

      Once again, thanks for sharing your perspective to our article.



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    2. Apologies for any typos above. I can see some.

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    3. Apologies for any typos above. I can see some.

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  3. Firstly, I do not agree with you that Myss and/or Twale sound judgmental in any way. We've been given sound biblical references on why having sleepovers with the opposite sex (particularly one you're in love with and in a relationship with) is a no-no for a believer and I believe it's something everybody should try to adhere to.You need to ask yourself where your loyalty lies: is it in pleasing your body and fiance or in pleasing God and edifying the body of Christ? Your answer would determine how you place a rule over your life. Paul told the Romans this in Chapter 6 (the Message translation) - "That means you must not give sin a vote in the way you conduct your lives. Don’t give it the time of day. Don’t even run little errands that are connected with that old way of life." It's that simple! I'm married and I adopted this same principle while courting. We courted for 4 years and not once did we sleep in the same house alone. In fact, the first few months of courtship, my husband used to sleep in my friends house because he had no friends in the city I was staying. We both agreed and understood why this was so. We also avoided being in lonely places.

    In response to your disapproval, I ask you: what has money, steady income or circumstances got to do with doing the right thing for the sake of your soul and the faith? If someone doesn't have a good job or money to stay in a hotel, then he/she shouldn't bother to come visit. You let them know that ahead of time. People who know your stance won't even bother calling you or coming to visit you at night. Does the person not have at least one friend of the same sex in the whole world? Why come to visit me in my own city when you have no arrangment of accommodation or money? If it were a job opportunity, won't he/she sort him/herself out? Or don't you know certain people who are very principled in certain areas? If they don't respect your principles, it shows they don't have godly values in respect to purity and such people/person would rarely be close to you to demand such 'services'. My husband and I set boundaries from day 1 of our relationship, so we had an understanding. I believe that is the point Myss and Twale are passing across to us - to consciously take steps that would never put us in situations where we would be tempted! There are neighbours and/or friends he/she can stay with for the night if there's absolutely no other choice. Better still, you as the host can pay for a hotel if the other party has no money. Your soul and faith is what is at stake here, and not how the other person/people perceive you.

    Love is not about giving your all to the poor, giving your body to be burned, having all the faith on earth to move mountains, or in this case taking in your stranded fiances or persons of the opposite sex for sleep-overs. Why? You can do all these things and more and before God, you lack love and you've done nothing! (Reference 1 Corinthians 13:1-10). God is love! You have love when your heart, soul and might obey God's word and commandment. Some of them are - flee youthful lusts/passions (2 Timothy 2:22), separate/flee from every appearance of evil (1 Thessalonians 5:22) and don't let your good be evil spoken of (Romans 14:16). For the sake of you soul, the faith and the body of Christ, it is best you don't encourage sleepovers with your fiance and the opposite sex particularly if you live alone. Remember, this is one way that shows you are indeed under the 'law' of liberty - to do what is right!

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    1. Thank you Ibukun for your detailed comment with referenced scriptures. It's amazing to know that there are Born Again Christians that practice the Word of God and they are not led by their feelings but rather by the Word of God.

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